Candidates Comedy Night

Last night was the 18th annual Stu Bykofsky Candidates Comedy Night, to benefit Variety, the children’s charity. Over the years the event has raised over $300,000 for children with disabilities.

This is an insider’s event. Candidates or groups can buy tables or individuals can buy single tickets. Looking at the layout of the room, there were only a few seats that weren’t at reserved tables. There was also a program that included three introductory letters (one from Bykofsky, two from Variety) and a page length description of Variety. Following that is a letter from Gov. Rendell. The rest of the 24 page book (plus the inside front cover and inside back and back cover) is full and half page ads from candidates, officials, and businesses.

This year 18 candidates were scheduled, but one, the Republican candidate for the first congressional district, did not show, although it sounded like he might never have agreed to or that he had not returned Bykofsky’s phone calls. Could be wrong on that though.

These are notes I took while listening. It is not, by any means, a complete transcription, and is not necessarily even-handed. There were a lot of comments I didn't even try to jot down. Please also see personal observations at the end.

Bykofsky and his co-host radio personality Rhea Hughes gave introductory remarks, including a note that over 400 people were in attendance. In addition to those speaking I also saw Seth Williams, Jonathan Seidel, Lou Freimiller, and Michael Nutter. There were likely others that I just didn’t see or recognize.

Bob Brady, incumbent Democratic congressman for the 1st congressional district was up first. This is his 17th year participating.

Marina Kats, Republican challenger for the 13th congressional district, and the only woman candidate to take the podium. She was right off a plan from Croatia. Kats mentioned she had a LLM degree and won a prize for best opening statement in a foreign language. Her jokes were mostly lawyer jokes.

Patrick Murphy, incumbent Democratic congressman for the 8th congressional district was up next. He mentioned that he will be speaking the Democratic National Convention Wednesday evening in prime time. His jokes were primarily self-deprecating, about being relatively young for a congressman. One related to finally being carded when he came in, another on being too young to make the Chinese gymnastics team. He said he had hidden his campaign strategy in a place where no one would look and held up a copy of his autobiography. He also took a few jobs at McCain.

Rob McCord, Democratic candidate for state treasurer, took the podium. Say the F word several times, talk about swearing in front of your pre-teen children, and you will have an approximation of his 3 minute routine.

Allyson Schwartz, 13th district Democratic congresswoman could not attend but sent her chief of staff, Daniel McElhatton as her surrogate. He read what he said was a letter from Schwartz but I doubt she had seen it. There were a lot of F words and some political jokes. She loves kids, especially Patrick Murphy. Josh Shapiro weeps at the sound of Murphy’s name.

A representative from Conestoga Bank, the primary sponsor of the event, gave a brief welcome speech. He mentioned that he and his wife are expecting their 5th child on November 4th. Congratulations!!!

Jack Morley, Republican candidate for the open 1st state senate district (Vince Fumo) told several Fumo jokes, jokes about being home schooled, and then moved on to making jokes about the city’s public schools, such as kids have a better chance of surviving Iraq than graduating (something like that) or they considered getting their girlfriends pregnant a biology experiment. [blogger’s note: what about the young women in biology class? He implies all the students are male.] He was booed.

John Perzel, Republican representative from the 102nd state house district told several jokes about himself.

Joe Conklin, a radio personality, said the theme song for the presidential debates should be “Ebony and Elderly” and did a lot of voice imitations of political candidates and officials.

John Morganelli, Democratic candidate for Attorney General said if elected he would be the shortest Attorney General in Pennsylvania history.

Bob Barr, former Georgia congressman and Libertarian candidate for president, was a surprise guest. He said he was a member of both the ACLU and the NRA. Several of his other jokes were good but he’s not from Pennsylvania so I didn’t take the time to note them. Sorry.

Adam Lang, Republican candidate for the 2nd congressional district, said he was looking forward to meeting Chaka Fattah (who was not in attendance), and so were many of his neighbors. He said Fattah wasn’t there because he thought it was a community meeting. Among the reasons he gave as to why people should vote for him was that he is not married to a woman who broadcast her artificial insemination but wouldn’t release her tax records for privacy reasons. [blogger’s note: I thought that was the most biting and wittiest line of the entire evening.]

Larry Farnese, Democratic candidate for the open 1st state senate district (Vince Fumo). His jokes were mostly self-deprecating about how small his campaign staff and office are. He said during his last campaign run his office had four tires and a steering wheel. Recently he said he had trouble with the lights in his office but when he called the electricians they never came out. He also read a good humorous poem. [blogger’s note: His opponent, Jack Morley, was standing so he was directly in Farnese’s line of sight while he talked.]

Tom Ellis, Republican candidate for state treasurer, came to the stage dressed as Napoleon. He said he had ruled Montgomery County until Joe Hoeffel exiled him. He told a lot of jokes about being short and sang the “Lollipop Guild” song from “The Wizard of Oz.” He also told a joke about a sign at a fair that the world’s largest rat but when he told Bruce Castor, Castor has said that wasn’t possible because Jim Matthews was in town that day.

Craig Williams, Republican candidate for the 7th congressional district, told a lot of good news / bad news jokes. The good news is Charlie Sexton called and offered to help with his campaign; the bad news is Charlie Sexton called and offered to help with his campaign. The good news is God wants you to vote for John McCain; the bad news is it’s only because they were high school buddies. The good news is that his wife, a federal prosecutor, successfully prosecuted Milton Street; the bad news is the airlines kept losing their luggage.

Rich Costello, candidate for the 172nd state house district, mentioned he was a police officer for over 30 years. He told a lot of sports jokes and said he would designate the middle finger as the PA state bird.

Mark Collazo [blogger’s note: I cannot verify the spelling of his name; it is just an approximation], surrogate for Tom Manion, Republican candidate for the 8th congressional district, is an attorney. He told some Hillary Clinton jokes, one of which had “old cow” as the punch line.

Tom Corbett, Republican incumbent Attorney General, was up next. He said Ed Rendell won’t come back to Philadelphia after his term as governor ends, because the city has banned trans fats. He said Lynne Abraham had hired his daughter and that Abraham was so tough that gang members had her face tattooed on their arms. He said if people voted for him he would ensure that all future bonuses were donated to Stu Bykofsky’s Comedy Night. One of his other jokes was that Paris Hilton said it was okay to vote for the old white-haired dude.

Joe Sestak, Democratic incumbent congressman for the 7th congressional district, ended the show. He said there wouldn’t be a nativity scene in Washington this year because the city can’t find three wise men or a virgin. He also said it was better to offend God than another politician because God will forgive you.

Personal observations: This wasn’t really my cup of tea. A lot of the humor was vulgar and profane, just not my style, and not suitable for a family blog. I didn’t take notes on most of it; I just didn’t want to write it down. However, you might think it is hilarious. If you are curious I would encourage you to attend next year and see for yourself. It is certainly for a good cause.

Like most political events the audience was about 70% (or more) male. One notable exception took me awhile to figure out. Some very young provocatively dressed women kept walking from their table in the back of the room to the other side of the room, where the bar was but came back without drinks. The ladies’ room was by their table so they weren’t headed there. The only other stops along the way that I know of were the mens’ room, the registration desk and the elevator. At one point Bykofsky mentioned that Club Risque was a sponsor and had bought a table. My theory is that the ladies were at that table and that they might have been walking advertisements for “Delaware Valley’s premier gentlemen’s club.” But I could be completely wrong about that.

As for political humor, I thought Adam Lang and Craig Williams had the wittiest jokes, but that is very much a matter of personal taste. As challengers they have greater latitude in taking jabs at their opponents.