The 24th Annual Candidates' Comedy Night
Host: Stu Bykofsky, columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News
Co-host: JeniceArmstrong, also a columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News
Comedy Headliner: Joe
Conklin
Stu: Introduces
Jenice Armstrong, mentions that in the first 23 years the event has raised
$475,000 for Variety Philadelphia. He had hoped the event would
break $500K this year but it’s a few thousand short
Jenice Armstrong:
There will be 14 candidates doing comedy routines [and goes over event
business].
Stu: [a lot of
tasteless jokes, including jokes about child abuse and incest, truly unpleasant
to listen to]
Jenice: [some
political jokes]
Megan Rath (R – 1, challenging Bob Brady). I can’t believe I shaved my legs for
this. All the politicians in the room,
no one has been indicted (yet), guess that Kathleen Kane connection is
working. Traffic judges not
convicted. Ok to fix traffic tickets
again. Can you help me out, Bob? Schools might be funded by cigarette
tax. Will teachers call recess a smoking
break? Nutter is hoping the Pope will do
a loaves and fishes thing again. This is
my first foray into politics. Don’t have
a platform yet. But when carpenters get
back into convention center I’ll have them build me one. Democratic convention here? It will make the Wing Bowl look classy. Being pro-choice is like immigration, both
penetrate a border we thought was secure.
In the Affordable Care Act there is a provision to save money if you
take your own stitches out. Call suture
self. I used to date a doctor, now I
just want to be able to afford one. My
apartment is only 600 square feet.
[small apt jokes]
Mike Fitzpatrick (R-8 incumbent). Thank Stu fro bringing so many members of
Congress together. IN Bucks County I
visit 100 businesses in 100 days. True
story – a constituent was driving north on 95, pulled over by the police. She doesn’t have a license or owner’s
registration in the car. Tells the
officer she stole the car from a guy whom she killed and is storing him in the
trunk. Cut him up into little
pieces. The policemen calls his boss who
came right over. When he asked she had
her license and the registration. The
boss says the officer said you stole the car.
She says I bet he told you I was speeding, too. Story about kidney stone – called the Pelosi
stone. You have to pass it to see what’s
in it. Joke about Rep. Pelosi getting
mad at Rep. Marino. Joke about Pelosi
and botox and facelift. [In joke she
tells Pelosi she looks hot and she smiles – he grimaces like someone who has
had botox or a facelift]
Bob Brady (D-1 incumbent).
I haven’t missed one of these events.
Stu went to visit a mental institution.
Asked how they decide who belongs here and who doesn’t. [He
tells a joke about Stu failing the test and staying in the institution]. A married couple is in an accident. The husband is burned and needs a skin
graft. He is so skinny that they take
skin from his wife’s behind. He thanks
his wife. She says she gets great joy
from watching his mother kiss his cheeks.
I don’t do political humor, won’t make fun of others. [He tells a joke about two business partners
who make a deal that whichever one dies first will come back and tell the other
one what the afterlife is like. One
dies, comes back and tells the other he has sex, eats, and sleeps all day. Turns out he is now a bear in Yellowstone
Park.] [Gives Stu a gift care from
Capital Grill – all the candidates pitched in for it.] Stu says we are $3K short of making $500K,
asks Tom Corbett, Tom Wolf, Pat Meehan, Mike Fitzpatrick for $500 each. Asks Nicky and Ted [not sure who these people
are] and Eddie from PECO for $500 each.
Asks Alan Butkovitz for $500. They
all agree. Much applause. Now over $500K
Stu: Thanks all. Bipartisan effort.
Armond James (R-2, challenging Chaka Fattah): [Stu says he begged to be included and now he
doesn’t show up.]
Brendan Boyle (D-13, open seat). Hello, Finnegan’s Wake! Applause for Stu and Jenice. First time here. A little excited, a little nervous. Already lasted longer than my other first
time – giving a speech I mean. Today I
saw [sports team], police shooting with blanks[?], and now Governor Corbett – 3
things with no shot. [joke about now that
he has joked about Corbett he is praying that Corbett is never Attorney General
again]. Charlie Kallas joke. Eagles broke my heart. Four championship games but no Super
Bowl. Goes to show how great McNabb was
– just ask him he’ll tell you. I went
the political route. All three Boyles
went the public service route. I’m in
the state house. My brother is in the
state house. My dad is a SEPTA janitor –
at least one of us has an honest job.
Here because I won the primary.
The most expensive in the country.
Next day get a call from Bill Clinton asking me to hang out at Chickie
& Pete’s. Congress has an approval
rating of 7%. With hard work we can get
it to 8%.
Pat Meehan (R-7 incumbent).
Thanks Stu and Jenice. Always a
fun night. Nice to be away from
Washington. Fitzpatrick took one of my
Pelosi jokes. She is one of the people
who makes it a tough environment. She
discovered social media – she’s on “can’t move my face book.” Obama sent her to China because the first one
who blinks loses. Don’t worry about
impeachment. Why not? Three words:
President Joe Biden. Nutter back
in the news. Trip to France on
taxpayers’ dime. Staff taking in on the
chin. They thought he asked for three
days and nights at the Paris Hilton.
What he wanted was three nights with Paris Hilton. The DNC is here to see if the convention should
be held in Philadelphia. We have a good
shot. Philly can rig elections. Philly GOP endorsed the concept – a campaign
they might be able to win. Monied
donors, debauchery, Scotch, to Bob Brady that’s just another Tuesday
night. Bill Clinton is on board [lists
the names of local gentleman’s clubs].
Chuckie Schumer is pushing Brooklyn.
We need our own narcissistic [missed this word] – good thing we have Ed
Rendell. Called my friend Chris Christie
– have the DNC here just as you are exploring you own bid. Christie non-plussed – we’ll close that
bridge when we come to it. Going to put
three people on the spot – Stu, Brady & Fitpatrick. I’m going to take the ice water challenge and
nominate you to do the same and raise $100 for ALS.
Stu: I’ll do it right
now. Let’s get a pitcher of ice water.
Chaka Fattah (D-2 incumbent): [doesn’t show up. Jenice wonders if he’s out coaching his son]
Stu: [Introducs Doug
Zeiders, head of Variety]
Doug Zeiders: Variety
offers day and overnight camp for children with disabilities, all ages, all
disabilities. Parents say Variety camp
is the only place, outside of him, that kids are loved and accepted.
Stu: I’ve been on the
board of Variety for over 20 years. We
aren’t paid. We actually have to pay to
be on the board. Pay for parking, meals,
etc for meetings.
Joe Conklin [jokes about Chris Christie and extra crispy and
the ice water challenge.] Now that the
DNC is gone we can be ourselves again.
Does impression of Mayor Nutter saying Fishtown was originally a lesbian
penal colony. Does Rendell impression of
Rendell saying he likes thin blondes and got the phone numbers of three women
in DNC group. Pope coming to Philly. The Archdiocese won’t confirm -- but will move him from parish to parish. Sending buses of priests to Little League
game. Corbett promised money to the
Philly schools but gave it to Chaka Fattah, Jr. to hold. If anybody needs weed Jim Kenney is out on 3rd
St. [many sports jokes].
Stu: [Does 50/50
drawing. Jenice wins, donates money back
to Variety. Auction of baseball signed
by Mike Schmidt. Auctions jersey signed
by Donovan McNabb. Gentleman from
Emerald Capital wins both. Stu thanks
everyone who donated items or services.]
Kevin Strouse (D-8 challenging Mike Fitzpatrick): Thanks for warming up the crowd. Tradition to make the first joke about Stu,
but also told not to make fun of the elderly.
I joined the Army and fought the Taliban, now ready for the real fight –
Congress. When joined and in basic
training only one in my unit not from the South, didn’t know who Kenny Chesney
was. I had the most boring
contraband. The others had the most
debauched porn. I had a World War II
history book. Hard to separate the
Taliban from the goats – they never forget their first love. After the military I went to work for the
NSA. I can’t tell you how much fun I
had. Seriously, I can’t tell you. [Dick Cheney joke]
Ryan Costello (R-6, open seat): Stu took clean jokes. Brendan said all the jokes I couldn’t
say. On vacation getting John Boehner on
– tan. Problem with political jokes is
they often get elected. [does Johnny
Carson Karnack jokes] What are Rocky and
The Sting? Two jokes that describe
Kathleen Kane’s first year in office.
Ted Cruz? Person Manan Trivedi
most wants to see fundraise for me. Ryan
Costello and Ed Rendell? The last two
people to hit on my wife. Schuylkill
Expressway? What is the only thing
slower than Obamacare website.
Tom Corbett (R-Governor):
I feel sorry for you having to listen to all this. Politicians aren’t funny. Tom Wolf and I did this last night in
Pittsburgh. Politicians are not
funny. Except Daylin Leach – fact
finding trip to Colorado to investigate pot.
Sunday night thinking about
jokes. People want to know what you do
as governor. At the grocery store they
ask what are you doing? Shopping. At restaurants, what are you doing? Eating.
What do I do that’s different than what other people do? 1) I was born in Philadelphia. I’m the first governor born in Philadelphia
since the Revolutionary War – hasn’t gotten me one vote. 2) In was invited to the White House dinner
for Angela Merkel. The President was
sitting behind me. Tim Geithner was the
host at my table. Nancy Pelosi was
there. A woman asks me what I’m doing in
Philadelphia to help re-elect Obama. I
say I’m the Republican governor. She
says really, what are you doing to help the President. 3) Bass Masters. Fish that are caught are put back in. People cheering for me are from New
Jersey. Tom Wolf and I have a lot in
common. Drive jeeps. I’m tired of seeing the jeep. In commercials Tom Wolf is driving a jeep –
not looking where he is going. Tom Wolf
must be feeling the pressure. He
actually let the lieutenant governor out.
Mary Ellen Balchunis (D-7, challenging Pat Meehan). [I honestly don’t know how to really describe
this. Balchunis did not do a comedy
routine. She and two other women did a
song and dance routine, to the tune of “I Will Survive.” The lyrics had something to do with pay
equity and social media. She and the
other two women did their performance on the floor instead of the stage. I wonder if she had decided this in advance
because it took a lot of time to get the microphones set up. Since they were on ground level it was
difficult to see. It was also painful to
watch. To be fair some people might have
thought it was innovative and refreshing.
I’m simply not one of them.]
Manan Trivedi (D-6, open seat). Want to thank Mary Ellen. No matter what I do it can’t be worse than
that. It must be tough for Tom Corbett
to come into Philadelphia, with protests, etc.
If it gets to be too much just shut your eyes. Right now Wolf is ahead by 20, but he will do
more commercials; people will meet him. Corbett could lose by a lot more. Tom
Wolf drove his jeep. I know it was his
because the license plate is from Delaware.
I have a lot in common with Wolf.
He has a PhD; I’m a doctor. We
both have two daughters and grew up in a small town. But if he grows a beard he’s everyone’s uncle
and if I grow a beard I’m on the terrorist watch list. I won’t make many ethnic jokes. In case the gaming commission is here, I’m a
7-11 Indian not a casino Indian. Let’s
skip the debates and just have seven spelling bees. The DNC people were just here. Bob Brady wore his best track suit.
Stu does the ice water challenge and says that the first
time he’s had ice without Jack Daniels.
Tom Wolf (D- Governor, challenging Tom Corbett). I came from a small town in York County. It is so small it only has one traffic
light. I was concerned that I would have
trouble driving in Philadelphia but no one here knows how to drive either. I am known as being a little wooden. I’m sorry Bob Casey isn’t here. Next to him I look exciting. Fundraising is hard. But it is harder to take $10 million out of
the family rainy day fund. Keeps me
honest not beholden. But if anyone comes
up with a cure for baldness he can have anything he wants. I thought Tom Corbett and I were running for
the most powerful office in the state, but according to his commercials I
learned the Secretary of Revenue is. If
elected I will be the first bearded governor in [missed this number]
years. People say politicians are jokers
but tonight proves that is not true.
Dee Adcock (R-13, open seat). I’m the guy everyone was looking for. Megan Rath, she’s young, beautiful, and
witty. Comedy night is the perfect place
for me. When I told my wife I was
running she said very funny. I’ve not
held any political positions. After
college I grew a small swimming pool store into a large distributorship. I think about water too much. My daughter’s name is Brooke; my wife is
Sandy. Let’s dive right in. I ran in 2010. People were looking for someone who was not a
career politician. Allyson Schwartz lost
the primary for governor. She put all
she’s learned into her new job as a Wal-Mart greeter. If elected I will donate my salary to charity. I’m at a disadvantage in the city because of
party registration. I know my party
backs me because I rode up in the elevator with all of them. Just celebrated my 27th
anniversary. I’ve been married longer
than my opponent’s been alive. When
asked about seniors Brendan Boyle said “I hated them in high school because
they shoved me in the lockers.” When
Obama says slice he means golf. When
Michelle says slice she means meat in school lunches.
With that the evening ended.
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