This evening I attended the 23
rd annual Sty
Bykofsky Candidates’ Comedy Night, at Finnegan’s Wake in Philadelphia. This event is a fundraiser for
Variety, thechildren’s charity.
I’ve been to this event before. The jokes are often off-color. It is not an uplifting experience. This year, for the first time, a
non-Pennsylvania candidate spoke. New
Jersey Democratic senatorial candidate, Newark Mayor Cory Booker attended at
the invitation / request of George Norcross, one of the owners of the
Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News. He was clearly the main attraction of the night. Reporters from the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal were there. I hate to think of what they will say about the evening. It was not necessarily presenting the city at its best.
Here are my notes, taken hastily as people spoke. It is not intended as a full transcript. There were a number of comments I couldn’t
follow.
Stu Bykofsky a Daily News columnists, started the evening
off with opening remarks, mostly raunchy jokes.
Jenice Armstrong , also a Daily News columnist, mentioned that
the event had raised $475,000 for Variety over the years.
Incumbent Philadelphia City Controller
Alan Butkovitz, a
Democrat, was up first. He had a skit
that involved a woman working a crossword puzzle on a computer. I had no idea what the joke was supposed to
be; it was hard to hear. [Note for
potential future speakers – this type of schtick never works well. Don’t try it.] The length of this confusing performance took
up most of Butkovitz’s time. He told one
joke which pertained to getting audited.
It was a long involved joke and the punchline involved someone who was
being audited peeing on the auditor’s desk.
Doogie Horner was one of two professional comedians to break
up the politicians. Horner appeared on
America’s Got Talent in an earlier season.
He was funny. Some of his jokes
dealt with Irish stereotypes, others with life in New York City.
Danny Alvarez, Republican candidate for Philadelphia
District Attorney was up next. He asks
if the previous candidate was Doogie bin Laden [Horner had a scruffy
beard]. He held up his watch and said it
had a calculator on it. He uses it to
keep track of the HUGE amount of money he is raising. It also has a calendar and he is hoping to
arrange a debate with incumbent DA Seth Williams. He said Seth’s suit looks like it was made by
a tailor who married a tentmaker. He
said Stu called him and said if he didn’t appear at the event Stu would
write bad things about him in the paper.
There was a joke about seeing a Seth Williams for Mayor sticker on a
tombstone at the cemetery. [This related
to a joke about dead people voting in Philadelphia.] The campaign sent Seth Williams an invitation
to debate but Seth probably thought it was a gas bill and threw it away. The last group of jokes focused on his
upbringing. He said his father was so
cheap that the family used a spare tire in the back of a pickup as a baby’s car
seat.
Seth Williams followed Alvarez, which was interesting. He starts by thanking Stu and Mike Driscoll,
owner of Finnegan’s Wake. “The truth is,
I’m not that funny. My job is serious.” He says his Blackberry goes off all day long
with murders and rapes. When Stu called
about a fundraiser Williams thought it was a fundraiser to help the gas
bill. The Daily News had a front page
story saying that on one month in 2012 he was a month late with a gas bill of
over $500. So was Mayor Nutter. Nutter makes Pee Wee Herman look like a Hell’s
Angel. Nutter and Williams call each
other on the 5
th of every month to remind each other to pay the gas
bill. Stu was rushed to the emergency
room with an erection lasting over 4 hours.
Williams asked what the doctors did about that and says Bykofsky said
the doctor showed him a picture of Lynne Abraham. The Daily News had a story about Williams
following sexy ladies on twitter [he held out his arms and shimmied as he said this – it was
funny]. He doesn’t know how that
happened but he’s never letting Ed Rendell hold his phone again. The paper didn’t report that he also follows
the Bible on twitter but it’s not the King James Version but the 50 Shades of
Gray version. [not sure what this refers
to; the Bible is racey enough as is]. Alvarez says he is committed to
excellence. Williams says he wishes
Alvarez had been committed to excellence when he worked in the DA’s
office. Booker shows the rise of the
strong Black bald man. People confuse
Williams with Booker, State Sen. Anthony Hardy Williams, State Sen. Vincent
Hughes, and William Hite, superintendent of Philadelphia schools. People like to think all Black men look
alike. “Michelle and I will be signing
autographs outside.”
There was a break to auction off a gift card to the Blitz
restaurant. Emerald Capital bought it
for more than twice it’s face value.
Bykofsky always has a surprise guest. This year it is Dan Gross, former gossip
columnist Dan Gross. He tells
jokes. Then he auctions off a helmet
signed by someone at the Philadelphia Soul arena football team. George Norcross bid $2,000 if Gross would put
it on. Emerald Capital bid $3,000 but
also wanted Gross to try on the helmut.
Cory Booker was up next.
He said he’s made many mistakes in life but none as big as accepting
George Norcross’s invitation to appear here.
He praises Bykofsky. Then he says
he is a Yankees fan but has to pander to South Jersey residents who are fans of
Philly sports teams, and lists the ones he is now favoring. Tells the story of George Washington crossing
the Delaware. He had to go by boat because even back then the tolls
were too high. People tease him about
his close relationship with NJ Gov. Chris Christie. He made a joke about brushing his teeth with
Chris and his wife Mary Pat, and of tucking Chris into bed a night. There was a long intertwining joke about
famous New Jerseyans. He is glad Bruce
Springsteen lets him use the john when he is the neighborhood. Speaking of johns he Is glad that Jon Bon
Jovi’s wife Dorothea ….. etc, it went on like that at some length. He said Obama has endorsed him. There were several jokes I couldn’t follow.
Professional comedian
Grover Silcox takes the stage and tells
jokes about marriage and sports.
The last speak was
Terry Tracy, Republican candidate for
Philadelphia city controller. He is
jealous that Cory Booker gets to brush his teeth at night with the next
president. His cousin is the Prime
Minister of Ireland. Lists things he has
in common with Elliott Spitzer, Democratic candidate for New York City Comptroller. Philadelphia has been a one party town for a
long time. We should have had city
council serve dinner tonight. Nothing
would have gotten passed. They refer to
Booker as a celebrity politician. Tracy
would be happy if they referred to him at all.
[There were jokes about the hair on his head and his chest hair.]
Bykofsky thanks everyone.
The evening ends.
Personal Notes: There
were a number of people at the bar who continued to have loud conversation that
made it hard to hear. George Norcross
was there, and sat at the Daily News table.
Booker sat at the Variety table and talked with the Variety staff there. He was clearly a star attraction as people
came over throughout the night to have pictures taken with him. Mayor Nutter wasn’t there. I didn’t see any of the other usual political
heavy hitters like Bob Brady or John Dougherty either. It doesn’t mean they weren’t there, just that
I didn’t see them.
Favorite Line: Seth Williams doing the shimmy while saying "sexy ladies" and that he didn't know how he started following those sites on twitter "but I'm never letting Ed Rendell hold my phone again."
The sound track for this evening’s excursion into the city
was the new Steve Martin / Edie Brickell cd, Love Has Come for You. Favorite track: Iron Mountain Baby.